


Finitum

by Nachtigall



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:20:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nachtigall/pseuds/Nachtigall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim didn't think that he and Spock were perfect, even he wasn't that deluded but he did think that they worked well enough to last.  It took one conversation to ruin it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finitum

**Author's Note:**

> Something that I wrote a few years ago and am re posting. It's a little emotional for me but it needed to come out.

The sound of the door chime brought James T. Kirk back from the paperwork induced haze that had deftly wrapped around his mind. He stood, wincing slightly as his back cracked loudly in a few places and glanced at the clock. 21:00. Jim groaned. He had been sitting at his desk, back bent at an uncomfortable angle, filling out the reports of the last away mission for 3 hours.

The chime came again and Jim crossed the floor to his door, quickly pressing the button that would open it. He blinked in surprise and then smiled.

"Spock! What can I do for you?" The smile faded as he took in the Vulcan's appearance. Spock stood stiffly with his back ramrod straight, hands clasped rigidly behind his back and feet together. The posture wasn't an entirely unusual one for his first officer to adopt, though it was reserved for encounters with diplomats, admirals or other important people that required an absurd level of formality. Jim had stopped counting on that list nearly 6 months ago with the start of their relationship. It was the eyes that threw Jim. They burned with anger, resentment and hate shining like beacons in the otherwise emotionless face. When Spock spoke, his voice was cold and hard as the ice of Delta Vega which the Vulcan had once thrown Jim onto.

"May I come in Captain?" Jim swallowed nervously. If Spock was calling him Captain off duty, something had gone horribly wrong.

"Of course." Jim said stepping aside and allowing the Vulcan into the room. Jim felt himself stiffen as the door closed behind his first officer effectively sealing them alone inside the room. Spock regarded him silently with an air of cold calculation as his brain rang probabilities that would tell him how to proceed. They had been staring at each other for a matter of minutes before Jim spoke.

"What do you need Spock." He asked gently. The Vulcan raised an eyebrow and spoke.

"I come to you as your first officer. I believe that it would be in our best interests and those of the crew if we were to terminate our arrangement." Jim stepped back like he's been punched in the face.

"What happened." He asked quietly.

"Nothing has transpired Captain. I have merely reached an alternate conclusion during my meditation."

"What made you think that though. Was is something I said or did. Just tell me so that we can get past this." Jim was frantic now, words spilling from his lips like rain in a storm.

"This is not like our previous arguments. This is not a minor disagreement that will later be resolved and forgotten. No amount of time, talking or intercourse will fix this." Spock stared straight into Jim's eyes with unwavering intensity watching as the human floundered.

"What are you saying?" Jim asked, voice cracking slightly under the sudden emotional onslaught.

"I'm saying that this arrangement is over. It no longer feels right to me and the strain between us has started to become noticeable to the bridge crew. It is logical that we desist." Spock looked at his former lover with cold eyes. There was no doubt in his mind that he was doing the right thing. He pressed on.

"It was never meant to last. We are too different. I bond for life like the rest of my race and you are notorious for promiscuity. This compromise has placed a great deal of stress on the both of us. You were forced into monogamy and I was forced to live with the knowledge that our engagement was only temporary. We have clashed before, frequently. It is only logical that we stop before one of us becomes injured. It is best." Spock Swallowed. "You can now leave this meaningless relationship and return to your way of life." Jim's eyes hardened.

"Meaningless?" He took a step forward and clenched his hands into fists. "You were the only one I could think of. Since you walked onto the bridge and asked to be my first, you've been the only one on my mind. I did everything I could to get your attention. I spent hours researching Vulcan so that I could understand you better. When we finally got together, I really felt like my life had meaning to it again. I was truly happy for the first time in years and now you that our relationship is meaningless?" Jim shook with fury and Spock stepped forward to counter him.

"You have an interesting way of showing affection Captain. You make fun of my heritage, degrade my control, use me as comic relief for the bridge crew and question everything I do. Sometimes you remind me of my childhood tormentors, always attempting to illicit and emotional response. Similar to those times in my childhood, your need for emotions disgusts me and leaves me feeling unclean. I will not tolerate it any longer." Jim stepped back in surprise and frustration.

"I'm human! We are a species that thrive on touch and emotional connection. Expecting me to be different is illogical! You're pissed because you can't understand my emotions and are too fucking afraid to deal with your own. You shut me out and leave me depressed and anxious and I put up with it because whether you like it or not, I have feelings for you!"

"That in itself was not logical. Our relationship was over before it began. Because of my lack of emotions and my up bringing, I cam unable to connect with a person as illogical and emotional as yourself. Similarly you are only hurt in your attempts to connect with me. That is why this must end." The Vulcan's voice was still madingly flat and he raised an eyebrow as Jim stepped forward.

"You are many things Spock, logical to the point of sin, over controlled, sarcastic, and obsessive. I never thought that lazy was an adjective that would apply to you and before you go off on your impending rant, I mean emotionally lazy." Spock remained stoic.

"That is illogical because Vulcan's do not have emotions." Jim was already shaking his head as he began to pace.

"We both know that's bullshit. You feel, your entire race does. But you especially. The fact that you grew up with a human mother and are still ashamed of that side of yourself disgusts me. You loved her and the look on your face when she died was not emotionless." Spock searched for the ritious anger that he should have felt bubbling inside him at the callus comment, but found none. A tiny whisper in the depths of his mind told him that Jim was telling the truth. All he could to was listen as the human proceeded.

"I understand that, I really do. Emotions are terrifying an unpredictable and far too strong for comfort. I understand wanting to pretend that they don't exist but once you accept them, they give you stability. Right now stability is something you need. I want to help you get there. I want to deal with the backlash. I'm trying everything in my power to help you and you're pushing me away." All the anger and fight vanished from Jim's voice and Spock watched him sag like a popped balloon. "Why." He asked brokenly.

"Our relationship will not work. We would better serve the federation, the crew and ourselves if we went back to a completely platonic relationship." Jim sighed and deflated even more. In a moment he straightened and squared his shoulders. Spock could see him going from Jim to James T Kirk, hero of the federation and stiffened slightly.

"Very well Commander. We shall do as you suggest. I will see you alpha shift tomorrow." There was no warmth in Jim's voice what so ever and Spock suppressed a shudder at the rapid change of conversational quality. However, this was what he wanted and he looked straight into the eyes of his Captain and answered.

"Yes Captain. I shall see you there." Jim nodded and turned his back projecting an almost painfully clear dismissal. The Vulcan turned his back and left for his own quarters. With that movement, it was very clear that they would never go back to how they were before their romantic relationship. Something had been lost and neither man knew what it was, but in their own way, both men mourned it. As Spock settled down for a heavy meditation period, Jim Kirk finally allowed himself to cry for the man he had loved and lost.


End file.
